Coping Through a Loss of a Parent
Losing a Parent...
A mind is a natural machine. It gets wired by repetition. It puts out what one consistently puts in. Pain is real. Now pain comes on many different levels.
The driver of pain is the mind. However, few understand this, and even fewer know this unless the knowledge was passed down.
Death is a loss, tragic loss. It encompasses the most rigorous combination of the mind + pain. How does one move on?
How does an adult move on. How does a child move on? How should anyone move on? There's no right answer. However, there's definitely a wrong choice.
As a 10-year-old child, I walked a journey I wish on no one. As a 42-year-old in hindsight, it was unfortunate, and I only wish my mind knew then what it knows now. Isn't that a surprise!
Here goes the story of a kid who grew into ๐๐ท๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ต๐ช ๐.
One ordinary day of a 9-year-old changed forever as I waited for my mother to return from a Dr. appointment. I fell asleep thinking this is unusual for my mother to not come home? The second day went by longer and third even longer. I was then told Mommy is sick and will be home in a few days. She came home after an excruciatingly long month. Only to go back again two days after. The disturbing cycle repeated for a long ended year. I always counted down to the date of her coming home, only to be disappointed with a new time. I was confused with this abrupt absence of our mom. I didn't understand this. There were no cell phones, computers, my family couldn't afford the letter 'C' encyclopedia, which would describe and inform us of what is Cancer? But how would I know what answers to look for? I was never told about her illness until it was too late.
One day came, I finally went to the hospital to visit her. She was very quiet. I didn't understand that her mind must be racing with thoughts of what will happen to her three children after she's gone? I kept asking mother when she will come home? She kept smiling at me with no words. Even today, I can't resonate with the tremendous pain of seeing your child knowing this will be the last time. The nurse walked in and said, "okay it's time for a quick diaper change so you must wait out in the hallway and I'll call you back in to say goodbye "
Alas, the Goodbye never happened as visiting hours were over, and I never had the chance to go back in to say, "Bye Mom. I love you."
One day I woke up with a very heavy heart. Thinking something doesn't feel right today. It's so painful. My Aunt and uncle were leaving somewhere and said, 'we cannot go to the park today as promised. We have to go somewhere else. Please get the kids ready. We will be back soon'.
They returned with swollen red eyes. And we're very, very quiet. We all sat in the car to go to my other Aunt's house. In the car ride there, we passed Mom's hospital, and I looked up at her hospital window, saying, 'I love you, Mom.'
We arrive at my Aunt's home, and everyone is wearing white and crying outrageously loud. I was scared. I never experienced so many random people congregated in a home crying so hard. My younger 7-year-old cousin says, "come with me to the bathroom I have to tell you something. "We go into the bathroom. She locks the door, turns around, and says, '"Your Mother died."
**Excuse me, but who's idea was it to rip the bandage off such tragic news by a 7-year-old!!! Could not they have told an adult to say to us less harshly???
I walked out of that bathroom without a mind or a heart. I was in complete SHOCK. I was TERRIFIED. I was not accepting REALITY. OH, how this day tormented me for years, decades to come...
No one told me about Cancer. No one prepared me for her leaving. No one treated us with sympathy after. I had to wake up the next day as if it was a regular day. And the day after and the day after. I grew up without a vital unconditional relationship, and it scarred me. I became insecure. I continuously needed validation. I had a permanent void that never seemed to be fulfilled. Every friend I met would use me. Every friend's mom I met would treat me differently from her own Daughter. I didn't understand why? I searched and searched for a woman who would one day be like a mother to me. Or a friend that would be like a sister to me. And I spent my entire 25 years after mom's death still searching...
It wasn't my fault. But I blamed life for taking her away and not giving me the unconditional love of a mother I still yearned. Even after marriage, I had high expectations from my mother in law. That was unfair to both of us. She could never be for me what she is to her own. It was difficult for her to understand my void and yearning. And it was almost impossible for me to understand why other mothers can't mother me the same. 'What is wrong with me?' I repeatedly asked. 'What is wrong with them?' I repeatedly thought.
My whole life was a constant battle looking for a relationship that wouldn't be filled with annoyance, hatred, and especially not acknowledging my existence and need for inclusion.
At age 36, one random day, a woman said to me. You seem broken on the inside. What you need is bereavement for your mother's death. I cried and said, "that's ridiculous. It's been 26 years since she died. "
But lo and behold, I did end up going for bereavement. It was a traumatic experience but a much needed one. Honestly as strong as we think we are and we try and convince ourselves that we can do it alone. The truth is that you do not have to. Thatโs right you do not have to go through this challenge alone. A trusted therapist, counselor or guided coach can ease your suffering. Your job is to keep yourself happy. Part of staying happy is to be cognizant of your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It is a fantastic step to receive guidance in aspects you are weak on and continue to perfect the ones you are already good it. This one step if taken early on can save you years of added stress, and pain, both physical and mental. It can also save the relationships you surround yourself with. Not everyone is capable of handling specific pain. Be gentle with yourself and choose to make healthy choices for the long run and for yourself.
All in all, I walked out of those sessions NUMB!! And slowly, I felt the release of a 26-year-old pain seeping out of my body. My PAIN BODY! That sad, sad child that kept looking for love everywhere she went.
That child within me still visits from time to time now. (I know her as Kiran). But I do my best to make sure it's the FUN-LOVING part of my childhood that overtakes when she visits.
After crying an ocean of 26 years... the last 6 years built a place of serenity and love. I no longer look for or desire a Mother, a sister, a best friend. I know NOW :
I AM AN AWESOME MOTHER-
I HAVE BEEN A SISTER TO MANY WOMEN
I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND
I TRULY DEEPLY LOVE WHO I AM
Regardless of my past, my pain, my mistakes. It shaped me into who I am today. Of course, I would have loved for this to not be my story. I would go back and rewrite it with a healthier mindset, less stretched pain, fewer expectations, and more pragmatics.
Nevertheless, it made me into the incredible woman I am today. I don't look for love now, but instead, I GIVE IT!! I don't search for happiness now because I GIVE IT. I don't look for a mother now as I AM ONE!!
This is my story. I do not feel the pain of her absence. Instead, I feel the existence of her being inside me and her being my inspiration. My role model. A woman battling Cancer at age 33, leaving 3 kids behind who never shared her pain or even a tear. That is the kind of MOTHER I had. And that is the kind of WOMAN I WILL BE! STRONG!
I LOVE YOU, MOM!!!
No need to say Goodbye. I'll hug you and tell you all about it when I see you again.
Your Daughter,
๐๐ท๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ต๐ช ๐