Do You SPLIT?
or FIT?
“It’s much more interesting to try and understand what binds two people together. Why we stay with each other is much more of a mystery than why we don’t.
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SPLITTING
Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are good or bad with no middle ground).
Ronald Fairbairn first described splitting in his formulation of object relations theory; it begins as the inability of the infant to combine the fulfilling aspects of the parents (the good object) and their unresponsive aspects (the unsatisfying object) into the same individuals, instead of seeing the good and bad as separate. In psychoanalytic theory, this functions as a defense mechanism.
Splitting is a psychological mechanism that allows the person to tolerate difficult and overwhelming emotions by seeing someone as either good or bad, idealized or devalued.
Splitting means having difficulty holding opposing thoughts. For example, a person who experiences splitting cannot weigh positive and negative attributes of a person or event or recognize that good and bad attributes can be valid at the same time.
Examples of splitting behavior may include: Opportunities can either have "no risk" or be a "complete con" People can either be "evil" and "crooked" or "angels" and "perfect" Science, history, or news is either a "complete fact" or a "complete lie."
So what happens when this powerful defense mechanism comes into intentional or unintentional play within relationships? At times new connections do not hold the chance to ripen due to splitting. Regardless of whether one party is willing to excuse an incident, phrase, mistake, or perspective, if the other party per se is ''stuck'' in the splitting ideology, the relationship becomes heavy, dramatic, a burden, and even toxic. Ergo splitting into its lamest terms induces ''ghosting''.
Looking at older relationships, if a relationship persisted years and you came this far, chances are no party will split unless a drastic change of desire or difference in strong opinion is born. Then it's a no-go. However, most older relationships tend to evade splitting because of the time invested in the relationship itself. Then we begin weighing the good versus the bad. The mere fact that we consider both extremes means they still exist; ergo, splitting would not be relevant here.
Most lengthy relationships split due to a third-party interest. First, the insecure party willfully threatened, and then all good memories were instantly eradicated before this point. And now they feel distressed and want you out, or split themselves.
And then there is your family member. Why do people split with family members? Most of the time, it is because of guilt manipulation, and the responsible party becomes drained of enabling repetitive behavior, expectations not met, or insecurities not filled. The continuous cycle of this relationship becomes toxic, and when the mind feels toxicity repeatedly, they decide it's better to split and not have the good or the bad, or quite frankly, they don't even see or feel good anymore. All the toxic behavior overpowered and blocked off any good memories.
Those who split often do not regret it because they feel they must protect themselves in fight or flight mode or cannot handle the bad and feel free or at peace do not even have to worry about brushing it off their shoulder.
What about the opposite end of the rope? Do you love someone so much that you do not detect any flaws at all? Have you become so obsessed that you may be being taken advantage of or doing more than you willfully should. There is a fine line between loving someone and not seeing that everyone holds shortcomings. That is the beauty of each of us. We are all ever-evolving. Though consumed over specific people and not bestowing fair love to others encircled within the relationship dynamic can cause havoc or livid emotions. Favoritism, neglect, and even discrete bullying are elements of splitting behavior. You cannot hold a relationship wearing a blindfold. Know the truth. Accept the truth, and live in the truth. That why the famous saying, 'Love is Blind.'
So do you SPLIT?
Or Do You FIT?
FITTING
Then some easily overlook, forgive and move on, focusing on a more superior value at hand, the relationship itself. I define this as 'fitting.' We mold ourselves into the proper fit of a relationship to keep the connections building long and strong. You may not like or agree with a few, many, or many even all their perspectives. However, if you found a way to sustain a good and healthy relationship regardless of your differences, then I honestly believe you hold what it takes to understand the power of peace.
If you look at someone who holds friends of different ethnicities, religions, beliefs, age, financial status, and more, it means they are fitting. They value the relationship regardless of all the differences, and they do not file the differences under something negative. They move on
People from different parts of the world behave differently: heck, even people from other cities or homes do. Nature versus nurture: When we unite and decide to create something beautiful out of it, it shows that we chose to fit rather than split. This by no means is an ask task, but I must agree it is a far healthier choice considering there is not any variation of abuse within the relationship.
Those who choose to fit build the most beautiful memories together. They support one another in time of need. Even if years passed by, you know you can count on them and rely on them. This comes from the elementary fact that you genuinely accept them for who they are, as they are. And ask yourself this, 'When you are loved by anyone for who you are, don't you feel amazing?' So why not try and practice to be more fitting and stop making a run for it without a fair chance.
Fittingly Yours,