Eenie Meenie Miney Mo?
Know, Show & Outgrow
“Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.”
Misery is akin to gas, you can’t see or smell it, yet it’s toxic and spreads swiftly. There was no notice, no warning; it was like the fucken nursery rhyme, ‘Eeeny Meeny Miny Mo? And they discretely picked you! But wait, was it discrete? Or are they clever enough to grasp they can infect you with toxicity, and you will keep exercising it because you feel obliged to stay in the relationship? What do you do when you become the prey of misery?
“Remember…Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you.”
Be in the know, reveal that you know, and then get the fuck out and outgrow. Toxicity is infectious, debilitating, exhausting. Keep your mind sane. No amount of money, time, vacation is worth foolhardiness. Peace of mind is priceless. Hmm, unless you established a price on yours, I am sorry, but you are shit out of luck. It’s time you reassessed your priorities. Too much giving in the obverse direction is the same as enabling toxic behavior. Then you cannot condemn anyone except yourself. Be careful and be mindful of your surroundings at all times.
“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the ‘wait and see’ tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.”
“Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!”
We all know that person- the one who leaves you worse off after interacting with them. Maybe it's a manipulative family member or a friend who keeps insulting you, putting you down, or is jealous of your inner strength. For them, they can't seem to get a grip on what keeps you smiling and happy. Their insecurity comes out dangerous toxicity to your mind. If you won't let toxic chemicals in your house, why do you allow them in your body? Without a healthy surrounding, you won't have a healthy body to protect. That's why it is vital to steer clear of people who need professional help but deny their behavior. Most often, it is the ones that refuse that hold seniority in toxicity.
If you repeatedly notice a difficult time with someone in your life, it's helpful to notate and pinpoint problematic behaviors rather than label them as toxic. Here are some critical signs of toxicity from therapists who specialize in relationships.
dishonesty and deceit
self-absorption and self-centeredness
manipulation and other emotional abuse
a tendency to create drama or conflict
So what do you do in this situation?
Avoid playing into their reality.
Some people tend to perceive themselves as victims in every situation. If they mess up, they might shift the blame to someone else or tell a story that depicts them in a more positive light.
You might want to be innovative and say nothing to evade getting annoyed or begetting an outburst. Only staying quiet can encourage these people to continue their negative behavior and may even see you as a supporter.
Instead, respectfully disagree and say I hold a different take on the situation and state the FACTS without accusations. While your disagreement may still upset them, it might also lower the chances they try involving you again.
Don't get Drawn in
Dealing with someone's toxic behavior can be exhausting. Toxic people will always find a reason to accuse you and not care about your needs. Please resist the urge to jump on the complaining boat with them or to defend yourself against accusations. They are not worth your explanation because either it is beyond the scope of understanding the basis of argument, or they frankly don't care and will proceed to badger you to gain some power control to fill their insecurities. This is the height of toxic behavior. Just close the argument with an 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' And leave it at that.
Be Cognizant of how they make YOU feel?
Understanding how someone's toxic behavior concerns you can better manage your reaction and navigate your interactions with them. More often than not, if you behave just like them, they will worsen because they cannot hear, see, or even acknowledge their behavior. Ergo they believe they are not doing anything wrong or rude. Yet low and behold, when you perform the same heinous behavior, they are appalled and demand an apology immediately. That, my dear, is a straight-up toxic personality.
And there is the occasional challenging day where someone might say something inappropriate or hurtful that they don't mean. No one feels their best all the time. A bad mood can make anyone lash out. But be aware of the difference; this isn't necessarily toxic behavior.
Be aware of how often they insult you, put you down, bully you, abuse you verbally and emotionally. Is this how they are with you most of the time? Do they even apologize or know how much their behavior affects you? If most of your interactions are defined by feeling abused, you don't have to accept it. Personal struggles don't excuse abuse. Don't accept this behavior.
“If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behavior.”
Talk to them about their behavior
Someone who invariably generates drama or is looking for attention might not apprehend how their behavior affects you. Be open with them with a heart-to-heart conversation. Stop, pause, let them know you cannot handle it, and walk away without a grudge if you see it's not received well. If you feel comfortable, use statements that infer your feelings, as in 'I feel,' which will feel less accusatory to the person creating the drama. It will also encourage you to set precise boundaries.
Some examples are:
'I feel uncomfortable when you put me down out of the blue. I do not want to partake in such conversations.'
'I value trust in friendship, so I can't continue this friendship if you lie to me again.'
'I feel our communication needs work, can we come up with some exercises to better understand each others language and thoughts?'
'I don't feel good when I am being attacked or insulted.'
'I don't feel good when you compete with me. I am here to support you. There is no need for competition.'
Put yourself first
Sometimes toxicity isn't even through words; it's through quiet behavior. It doesn't need to be abusive or spiteful to be toxic; other behaviors can be just as damaging.
If they constantly need your help every time they see you or require you emotionally every time. If their well-being depends on only you, this can be harmful and considerable risk to your well-being.
You have to remember to take care of yourself and your needs. If you are constantly putting this other person a priority, you are essentially cutting into your well-being. Any healthy relationship is a give and take. Not all take.
Offer compassion; but don’t try to fix them
People can change, except they ought to put in the work to change themselves. Not you. You might want to help someone you care about; you can do so by being kind and compassionate. Just know that you cannot change them. And nor should you try. Let them seek help through a professional. Maybe offer a good therapist if they are open to the idea. In the end, they must fix themselves; trying to fix someone before they are ready can further sap your emotional resources.
“If someone thinks you’re being dramatic or selfish, then they obviously haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. It’s not important for you to explain yourself. You get a pass here. Don’t let anyone else try to saddle you with guilt or shame. If you need your space, take it.”
Say No when you really can’t
They may make you feel guilty about not performing a specific task they want you to. However, if it is genuinely too much for you physically, mentally, or even emotionally, say no. It's better not to do it than to do it and regret doing it later. Say I'm sorry, I can't do this, and I no longer wish to discuss this. Your mind is brilliant. It signals you when something is becoming too much for you. Listen to it, understand, and apply it to your well-being. Don't stress about not doing it. They will survive with you. Trust me, they can, and they will.
Remember it’s not always your fault
Toxic behavior people are good at making you believe you are always doing something wrong even when you know that you didn't. They will accuse you and blame you for what you did without recalling their actions that may have prompted your response. This is most definitely toxic. Note this behavior and how often it happens. If someone constantly says you can do better, you are not doing it right; you don’t do this or that; they are being toxic and choose you as their target.
limit your time together
If you dread seeing this person, that is a significant cue that they are toxic. People in your life should bring warmth, happy and pleasant feelings when you interact with them. If interaction with them brings a negative vibe or the energy is offset; if you feel anxious or stressed before you see them, take that as a sign that you need to spend less time with them.
People who behave toxically tend to focus on themselves and what they want. They might blame you for their problems, and they show very little interest in your needs or feelings. This can make spending time with them unpleasant.
If you are dealing with someone who strikes fights with you or repeatedly pushes your boundaries, consider scaling back the time you spend with them. If you can’t altogether evade them or scale back the amount of time you spend with them, there is still hope. You can set essential boundaries. Setting boundaries involves what you will and will not tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them. Do not guilt trip into reverting your words because then you will enable their toxic behavior once again.
When leaving a toxic conversation seems almost impossible, you can still do it. Just be polite about it.
‘I’m sorry I have to stop you. I got a lot of work so I can’t chat right now.’
‘Sorry I'm waiting for an important phone call I can’t do this right now.’
‘Sorry I have a doctor appointment, I can’t talk right now.’
When you have to be stuck in a room with a toxic person:
Stay calm.
Practice your breathing.
Relax your muscles instead of feeling tense.
Let their worst wash over you and silently repeat a mantra.
Close your eyes and visualize your favorite place.
“I’ve found the most tragic aspect of losing loved ones wasn’t the big boom of the fallout, but realizing later how much healthier I was without them.”
“People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.”
Alas, we all know such toxic people. The good thing is you can make them being in your life a choice. Who can judge what is better for your mind, body, and soul if you sleep better without them? Suppose you feel unhappy around them. Why do you chip yourself away at their expense? The world holds seven billion people; you cannot love them all and cannot make them all happy. Keep yourself happy. Do you have a choice? If you feel like you don’t have a choice, you are most definitely in a toxic relationship and need to get away from it immediately because, news flash, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.
Respect yourself. Get some air. Focus on your well-being. If your mind talks to you about these people, they are toxic. You will not die without them, and even if you do, thank goodness they won’t make your last breath toxic. Good people leave you feeling good, period. Someone can be very nice to other people still toxic to you. Maybe they can’t see you happy, perhaps they are miserable and do not know it. Either way, you do not deserve their anger, drama, passive-aggressive remarks, or even non-verbal toxic cues.
Get in the safe zone immediately. Be good to yourself, and you will notice how much time you wasted trying to please someone that always wants you to behave the way they want. Healthy relationships do not come with ultimatums and insensitive comments. If it’s not healthy, can you tell me what it is? Let me help you with that; fill in the blanks _____ -(T O X I C).
Steer Clear of Toxicity,
Aneela K.
“My father once said, ‘If you’re in the desert and you’re dying of thirst, are you going to drink a glass of blood or are you going to drink a glass of water?’ I think what he was trying to say, interesting coming from my blood father, is sometimes there are people in your family that can be toxic.”