FAMILY
Living Life Informally
Informally Ever After' doesn't quite have a ring to it, as does 'Happily Ever After.' now does it? But the fact of the matter is; it's the dirty truth! As much as my previous blog advises you to be a bit more formal with one another, polite, and show each other value that is quite frankly deserved, in actuality, our habitual mind takes over, and we act as informal as we can.
Informal is not so bad, though, as long as you don’t cross toxic lines; feeling down to earth extremely comfortable with one another can be a tremendous sigh of relief. Finally, people, you can be your absolute self. No straight posture, relaxed clothing, hair tied in a bun, or even walking around in your pajamas all day! Freedom is a luxury welcomed at home.
In the equivalent sense, seeing the raw versions of each other bring you that much more intimate. You notice and sense each other's pain. A mixture of sympathy, empathy, and support helps each member get through conditions others rarely see.
Prime Time
I encountered and affirmed that each family goes through a 'PRIME TIME.' What is 'Prime Time,' you ask? It's the tangled phase as if a catalyst was added to the mix. And everyone is now growing at a much more active & accelerated rate. How can we make the utmost of this time? It can be challenging, but our little efforts go longer than we perceive. If you've read my blog on 'To Be or Not To Be' on parenting, then you understand the most substantial years for a child are age 0yrs-5yrs. So what happens after that?
The complication comes in with the total number of family members. A small family of three holds the luxury of time to give attention and instill skills and experiences. To create quality moments and each moment is an apparent blessing with an only child. However, what happens when you have two, three, four, five, and more children?
Now it's not simple to provide equal attention and time and create that evident blessing every moment. Especially when the siblings' age is either too close (you see parents pulling their hair out) or far apart like a toddler, adolescent, and a teen (now you see parents running like a chicken without a head.)
Anywhere from 6-18 is your 'Prime Time.' How to best handle this to create a close net family and a healthy environment:
Be Inquisitive, not Nosy (see the difference.)
a) Ask your child daily how are they feeling?
b) Don't ask 'Why?' but instead ask, 'How?'
Bestow them the importance of their presence.
a) If they mention something you consider irrelevant or a waste of time, do not brush the topic away.
b) When they share, reply with interest and emotions even if you could care less. Remember, their world doesn't revolve around you, but rather yours does.
Teach them skills, enforce the abilities with love and softness.
a) Repeating your rules and regulation after the third time is pointless.
b) Instead, let them know how it makes you feel if you have to repeat it.
c) Or, quite frankly, learn to let it go. They are not stick figures; they are small people with big dreams. Let them live and grow.
If I am candid with myself, the past five years were our 'prime time.' We discovered a lot, and most of it was a hurdle. No surprise there, as in general, life's complicated even before adding three kids to the mix. We had a phase of sibling rivalry between the older two and the younger two. And each time they would argue, we, the parents, interfered and had the children sit facing each other, making eye contact and communicate their feelings by taking turns. Then each one would acknowledge the other's feelings; apologies were in order, make up, and move on.
Being a parent doesn't come with an instructions manual, although we do the best possible. This reconciliation idea is what we thought was best for our children. And by having done this numerous times. We eventually reached an almost no rivalry phase. Of course, there are exceptions, but even those exceptions are quite honestly a minimal deterrence from the day.
Today these three daughters laugh and play amongst each other and know each other's passions. Every child is different, grow differently, think differently, and fly differently. That's the beauty of life. Having three identical children, behave the same, act the same, all share the same passion; seriously? Wheres the fun in that? Or growth?
So Remember,
Guide Them, Don’t Hide Them
Dad’s Most Important Role
A father's influence in his children's life shapes self-esteem, self-image, and confidence.
How Dad approaches life will serve as a model for his children to build off of in their own life. Even if they choose a distinct view of the world, what matters in the father-child relationship is that Dad seeks to live a life of integrity and honesty, avoiding hypocrisy and acknowledging his shortcomings so that children hold a realistic and positive example how to deal with the world. He should try to model a reflective approach to life's big questions so that they can attempt to do the same.
We now live in a culture with Dad is an equal partner in caregiving. From day one, dads are encouraged to be hands-on, change diapers, give baths, put the baby to sleep, and soothe cries. That presence and effort is the beginning of a significant relationship. This quality time together is crucial at all stages of a child's life. Dads need to spend time with their children, take care of their physical needs, and support Moms.
Dad with Daughters
It's those provoking "hormonal" years that can frequently have dads shying away from their pensive and sometimes standoffish daughter. When there's a tween girl in the house, dads should center on cultivating a trusting relationship so that their daughters feel secure speaking with them about what's going on in their lives. When vital, dads should apologize and ask for forgiveness, as this both bestow respect and love to daughters and heals the inevitable hurts in daily life together.
As a girl proceeds to grow and her teen years become abounding with complex matters, dads should continue to develop a trusting relationship, provide affection and encourage her as she discovers more about who she is and what kind of person she aspires to mature.
It's imperative that, no matter what, dads avoid the temptation to pull away or retreat during this challenging stage of growing up.
A Father's Influence on a Daughter's Self-image
A dad's involvement in his daughter's life is crucial in developing a young woman's self-esteem. Positive aspects of "common sense" parenting for dads that can help support their daughter's self-image and curb any possibility of low self-esteem:
Verbal encouragement
being consistently present in her life
being alert and sensitive to her feelings
taking the time to listen to her thoughts and taking an active interest in her hobbies
It's imperative to do these things, which can sometimes be quite challenging. A father's direct engagement and reassurance will help diminish a girl's insecurity and increase her confidence in her abilities.
How Dads Influence Their Daughter's Relationships
The type of men that women date and possess long-term relationships with are further directly related to the relationship a girl holds with her father. The expectation is that the father figure in a girl's life will aim to skew that young lady's opinions of men in a positive way.
He must, first and foremost, treat his daughter with respect and love. Whether or not he is married to or still together with his daughter's mom, giving affection to her mother is essential as well. He must also value women as human beings and not as persons to be used. Daughters will see what their dads believe about women by loving and respecting women or failing to do so.
I can watch this Family Video infinitely as it reminds me we need ONLY Each Other
SMILES ARE A WORK OF HEART
Often you see limitless posts on social media platforms of couples married or not, smiling, laughing, hugging, kissing, and all varieties of affection. Is it a lie? NO! Does it hold valid 24/7? You gotta be kidding me if you expected an answer from a rhetorical question! Each couple, including ourselves, has gone through hell and back—where your relationship is holding on by a thread. Where you see little to no hope and are ready to give up, times when you’re driving somewhere, and you’re just so angry and can’t stop thinking of the most nonsensical argument you experienced. So what is this? These, my readers, are known as REAL GROWING PAINS, the one that burns deeply to the core. As we age, we become so headstrong in our ways and find it very troublesome to admit that we too can possess an ego, be self-centered, and demand too much. And by doing so, we eradicate trust and must restore faith. Here is where your relationship stands true to its weight.
God Bless Zishan, and I stood ours. Coming from entirely different backgrounds, different family perceptions, different values, different aspirations, and even disagreed on the number of kids we desired. We were tested through the strength of time. All our disagreements, all our fury, all the hurt, and anger only brought us closer in the end. We fought against each other yet grew with each other. While also growing independently.
Of course, all the happy, loving memories never faded in value and only sustained us during the tumultuous times as we are reminded of how grateful we were to share and create such memories. Through it all, we are better for it. Alignment comes with attunement.
Giving up is always a solution, but so is growing up!
In the End, We Make it Work with nothing but ourselves. The one single tool that saves the day is
LOVE
Every single day we split the chores. This way, no member feels overly depleted or taken for granted. If one of us is too exhausted, we let it go or leave it for the next day.
Every single dinner, we go around the table, and each member of the family presents their 'Highs's' & 'Low's.' Sometimes it's a quick few minutes during dinner, and other times, it commences to in-depth discussions and lessons bits of knowledge. We do not discontinue this tradition when we hold guests, but instead, we incorporate our guests. Most of the time, it is a consensus that our 'High' is that our guest is having dinner with us. And our guest's 'High' is their feelings are mutual.
Each member gets respected alone privacy time, even down to our little munchkin. It's important to unwind from all the learning, challenges, responsibilities, and even conversations at times. A healthy being is one that uses the time to collect their thoughts and balance themselves.
I hope some of our routine traditions can help facilitate the family dynamic in your home.
*Please keep in mind every family encounters moments of struggle. That doesn't mean it's be all end all. If you focus on the love and the goal and work strenuously together, the impossible is possible.
Three Different Worlds Create One Beautiful Life
ZARA
Eldest Child & Most Obedient Child. Very Polite and Sweet. She focuses on her priorities and tries hard on all her responsibilities.
Aliyah
Middle Child & Creative Social Butterfly. It keeps us on our toes and entertains the entire family.
Faaria Safa
Youngest & Most Lovable. If she could grow up and have a career as a Hugger, She would.
None of them are alike. I dare not these kids to never try to be. So happy to have an array of personalities in our family. It keeps the momentum going and completes our family.
That One Special Child
You Know It. I Know It. We All Know It. We all have that one special child who does not like to follow the rules. Anything but. The one that tests your patience, endurance, stamina and leads you to mental exhaustion. Aliyah is that child for us. Initially, we kept trying to bring her on a straight path. The harder we tried, the more we failed. Her personality grew stronger as we grew more tolerant of her. Till we started to notice that all her challenges were challenges for us as well, and as she figured herself out and we took a more hands-off approach, life was more fun, more meaningful, and this particular child of ours would continuously stress to impress. Today I realize she is a true gift. Not only is she our family entertainer, but she keeps the dynamic more exciting and creates more opportunities for overall growth.
It’s always the persistent ones that end up succeeding and shocking the world with their most tremendous potential.
Never Stop Them!
Aliyah combined her illustration skills, along with her marketing and social skills. She said, if you want to be any of these five these girls, I will draw any avatar you want but you must get your friends and yourself to follow me first. Then I will post a time lapse of me drawing you in your chosen avatar into my TikTok. Needless to say Mission Accomplished by an 11 Year Old!
Illustrated By: Aliyah Ahmad (11 years old)
Informally Ever After,
Aneela K.
Photographed & Edited by Venture Studios 