Marriage Conflicts
&
Conflict Resolution
I can't believe he said that? I can't believe she said that? Can you believe he did this? Can you believe she did this? NO NO & NO! None of it is believable or acceptable. Our mind will deny it repeatedly and relive it aggressively. And all of it is hurtful and resentful!
WHY is it so hurtful? It is said to be true that the sharpest pain comes from the ones you love deeply. Just as we are what we eat (recent blog), we feel what we think. Ergo we act upon our thoughts. Does this make us bad people? No, it makes us vulnerable, and our ambiguous thoughts are filled with so much distraction and so far off from the truth that we make even quicker decisions during these rapid thought tornados. And in haste, we temporarily make ourselves feel better and permanently hurt our partner.
Before taking an immediate hurt response to your partner, think about what you should do with YOUR pain. Pain and hurt is an inevitable part of life. How we react or deal or with them is the most significant factor or, in some cases, the weakest denominator in breaking an already fragile relationship. First thing first, STOP REPEATING the scene… this is the hardest of them all, but the sooner we take to control, the less damage we do to ourselves. Trust me, I did it the wrong way, and I did it the right way, and I can tell you as clear as water, moving forward is better. Forward steps are different depending on the intensity, the willingness of forgiveness, and the strength of unity. Nevertheless, keep in mind that not everything is repairable. Some fixes are better done moving forward separately, especially if there is any doubt of serious harm to either one of the couple or other home dependents. However, if you see any silver lining and hope for repair, you should give it your best before walking away.
I love analogies, so here's one, imagine If you accidentally cracked a wine glass, you would never consider drinking from it. But if your wine glass were filthy and stained, you would do an excellent job cleaning it to enjoy your drink.
It's pretty much the same within a marriage. If you break your spouse's heart by wrongfully committed actions or misuse of verbiage, you create unrepairable damage (or at least a significant repair attempt would be needed in this case.) But if you cleanse your thoughts and heart, you can enjoy each other's company without taking personal offense.
How do we decrease the amount of personal offense taken? 99.9% of marital issues are all based on trust. Whether it is trusting them with other people, trusting them with finances, trusting them on their commitments and ambitions, and confidentiality. If trust is broken time and again, then this is a HUGE black hole to climb out. Is it possible? Yes, of course, but it will take every ounce of effort, resistance, and positive thought on both parties; otherwise, it will be a futile attempt.
Think back to a time when you had an argument that left a scar or a massive resentment in your mind, tempted to say the heart, but you and I both know its actuality. It controls everything, be-all, and end-all. Now ask yourself deep down what made you feel so hurt? Was it the action itself? Or that your spouse did it? Does it make you think they didn't care? Does it make you think they chose themselves first? Does it make you think they were careless to your emotions and feelings? Do you feel like you baby them, spoon-feed them, make them responsible, or help them be disciplined? Do you think they are unjust, hypocritical, or don't do a fair share of the responsibility willingly? The list can go on and is endless. The point is in these circumstances; you did not believe that your spouse thought about your feelings or concerns. You didn't TRUST them. And if they did do something you didn't like or did not do something you expected, you did not trust they would do it or not do it, and they didn't trust your foreseeable reaction, so resentment causes acts of unintentional rebelliousness.
Resentment and rebelliousness sabotage our happiness by giving ourselves temporary relief or joy and subconsciously creating an even bigger issue head-on. And it continues to worsen by a domino effect.
I know we’ve all been there…
It’s okay. Let it out if you must. Keeping it in is detrimental damage to your mind, body, and soul. And when you can try your very best, your core level best, pull yourself together and ascertain the natural compassion within you to forgive and rebuild the trust. This incident signified a life lesson, not a life sentence. Please perceive what you learned from your past, and use it to grow and roll with the flow. You Got This!
Speaking on a personal matter, we recently went through a very tough deliberation (more details on this topic in an upcoming blog). Our marriage faced an unexpected hurdle, and although it felt near the end, we eventually decided to both willingly recover from the incidents and reactions. So if you are going to tell me, ‘it’s HARD.’ NO SHIT. YES, it is. But is it worth it for your repair, or are you better off walking away? Answers to this and more in my next blog. For now, I would like to leave you with two immediate solutions of many now put in place to recover from the stress and resentment.
So the ONLY way to AVOID this is two main conflict resolutions…TRUST & FORGIVENESS!
No one said or is implying that this is easy. Because by no means is any relationship without a strong foundation of trust comfortable. I recommend to balance yourself between the two as a starting point. If you are not ready to fully trust them, forgive them more. Let the weight off your shoulders. Holding on to the burden is more detrimental to your health and isn't showing any positive results in the relationship either. In the end, none of us are superheroes, and we all make mistakes (even if they were super inexcusable or ludicrous).
If you cannot forgive easily, then build trust by recognizing the small acts of kindness. Maybe you didn't hear, "Oh honey, you look lovely today," but he did the dishes because you are tired or not feeling well. Maybe she said something you didn't like, but then cooks your favorite dish, or comes by you to offer affection. Are you going to continue focusing on the activities that trigger chipping away your relationship bit by bit or the substantial small repair attempts and acts of kindness that show deep down we are all human and YOU DO MATTER!
We all have bad days, man sometimes they feel like bad weeks, or let's not kid ourselves 2020 for many was a lousy year. But still, you can choose NOT to make it a Bad life!
To Toughing it Out,