RELAY Embrace
Win First PEACE
“Let us embrace our fears, and preclude generational tears.
-Aneela K.”
So invisible yet ever so efficacious is the tiny particles within us. The altered cells or culprits that conquer and transform our fancies, desires, and dreams right down to a nasty repetition that we plunge into a black hole and wonder why we can not see clearly or be incapable of visualizing the light at the end of the tunnel.
This culprit is infamously known as 'PAIN BODY' and is notorious for enabling the highest cluster form of fear and guilt manipulation in a war between what you crave and what you end up ingesting.
We are all condemned to fall into our traps. The cliche, 'Never say never' is rhetoric; however, I will fancy you the notion that you will most definitely attract what you feared. Continually thinking about what you do not want will attract more of what you do not wish to. We are all guilty of it. I am sinful of it. We all generate a list, either physically or mentally, of actions we will never perform or something we aspire. Alas, our pain body is ever so influential that it seizes preeminent and zooms into the destination we were uncritically dodging. Hence the cliche, 'The Struggle is Real.'
These past two weeks were quite challenging as I tried and applied my blog advice to me. With every challenge, we grow, though amidst the challenge itself, it can feel mind-boggling, troublesome, futile, demanding, and most of all, a battle continuum.
Of the fears on my list is my greatest struggle of all time, being a 'GREAT MOTHER to my third child.'
Losing my mom at age ten left me with a childhood trauma I was ignorant of till I was more adult and sought bereavement. However, in my darkness, I was built by confusion and, simultaneously, grit.
I didn't apprehend that I would have to yield my career, which stayed strife for years. At the same time, I was the best employee at every job I possessed and a great mother; only it's hard to do both at 100%.
I knew what I wanted a spot on. I desired to be the most compassionate mother, so my coming children could sense that mom would evermore be there. During my first child's disruptions, I would repeat, 'you don't ought to cry honey. Always remember as long as you possess a mother, you never need to cry. I will be there to support you through it all.' She found great comfort in my compassion. As did I being beyond for her. Although I realized I was projecting my fears on her.
Eventually, I stopped speaking this as I actualized I am establishing my child up for her inability to handle future disappointments independently. Of course, she knows mom is there to support her. But now, I instill an independent sense with all kids, and I am here if you need me.
With my last child, Faaria Safa, I did all the things I did with my other two and so much more. I dolled her up with an added touch of glamour wherever we went, whether I was fatigued or not. I played, read books, and brought her to all library classes in all the libraries in our vicinity. I cooked organic food for her myself weekly from birth till she aged thirteen months, even after work at 1 in the morning. I nursed her for seventeen months. I can go on and on and tell you all the creative activities I do for her, still, you see, this blog is not about what I DID OR COULD DO, its about what I DID NOT DO WELL, what I STRUGGLE with now, and how I decided to overcome damages by these long built resentment avalanches.
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”All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.”
- Edmund Burke ”
Growth Game
Every week I challenge myself, where can I grow? What more can I do? My options are perpetually from a personal desired wishlist. I stand proudly equipped to acknowledge my weaknesses yet feel smug for all my good. However, if I do not alter my perception, shed my resentment, confront my fear, change for the better, then doing NOTHING about it makes me evil. Knowing you can do better and then willfully choosing not to do it is a judgment you will regret eons. Ergo I vow to grow so that my kid's kids can beget more than my kids from me. Generational revolution must begin with you.
Reflection Perception
All my invested time, love, effort, and support I put into Faaria Safa, she is better for it. However, as I ponder, the possibility exists that she may hold resentment for what I didn't do from all that I did. Without being hard on myself and showing empathy to Faaria Safa, if both mother and child hold a similar growth wish, we should take it seriously and invest time. Or instead, I should as she is still a child.
So here goes the revelation about my mothering experience. After losing mom, my version of the best mom is someone you could hug when you come home from school, share your stories and life happenings, who's lap I can place my head on and cry as they stroke their fingers through my hair. Someone who cooks for me, celebrates my joys and especially my birthdays.
So what's the problem? I do all of the above. The issue lies in that I feel anxious when I must do a functional act I did not receive as a child, which is sad. It is not favorable to my children to not receive what I didn't receive when I can provide it. I was so active growing up independently that I only apprehend raising independent children. It flusters me if I have to remind Faaria Safa to eat her food continually or if I require to sit with her for hours on end feeding her. During my childhood, I sat at the table and provided myself while my mom was in the hospital over and over. , I don't desire what I suffered as a child to be my child's suffering and then her child. So because I know what the issue is, I must embrace it and rid this stigma before I pass it down. And besides, I do not want her to feel as though she has done something wrong.
You see, the support I never encountered is a difficult task to mimic. That is my biggest struggle. And the truth is, I've performed these acts many times, and happily with excellent results. Though with child number three, years of fatigue, a spew of responsibilities and entrepreneurship, it's become even more challenging for me.
Hence I started reading into myself. Practicing being aware of why I am not willing to do the things I didn't get. And after watching myself closely for a few weeks, I realized I must still be sad and full of resentment of my childhood.
Faaria Safa is a brilliant child. Both in school and at home. She is the most caring and fun-loving in our family. She is our happy, gleeful child hopping around the house like a cheerful bunny; however, my stress from being overburdened and fatigued of doing it all displays when it's lunch or dinner time. Unless it's her favorite dish, it is a very challenging experience. There have been days where she fell asleep as I tried training her to eat on her own. Forgetting she takes so long that the rest of us go to our responsibilities, she is thereby eating. This part destroys me. I much rather she enjoys her time off from school. But at the same time, as a mom, I want her to be independent.
Finally, I am ending this long haul. I no longer care for Faaria Safa to be an independent eater. She does many other obligations on her own. It could be likely she is not eating to capture my negative attention. I much rather her know she is loved, and I am there for her, then to one day hear her utter the words, 'you never liked feeding me.' That would sense as a knife piercing my heart. Consequently, as I study myself now, this change commences now.
Each night I fall asleep announcing I will be more careful tomorrow, but that damn pain-body strikes so fast, and I catch myself in amidst the frustration. I've been working on catching my emotions sooner.
Rather than fearing this act, I will embrace it because I do not yearn for this frustration to be relayed to the next innocent generation and so on. If I don't change now, I won't attain peace within my heart. I desire to fall asleep, saying I did my best. I will no longer suffer sleep in regret knowing I knew it was not the best way.
I plan to:
Cook her favorite dishes daily so she can enjoy what she eats.
Reward her with a later bedtime.
Some days I will sit and encourage her as we bond over silly stories
I will allow her to watch television or use her iPad and stop complaining about how long it takes her to eat,
These are simple suggestions. None of it requires a genius. What it does need is a demand for a change that will serve both mother and child.
What are some of your struggles? Can you select the one you will face and challenge yourself? After assessing and evolving, I wager you will welcome your inner growth, and you will be stronger for it. What are you anticipating?
Embrace your fears today so that you can carry on strength to the next generation. Don't let your passion and skills perish with you. As we give our historical love, aid, support, skills, and talents to the next group in the relay, we are all legendary.
I understand we can't do everything, and we can't have it all. And I am not advising you to surpass your unhealthy limits. Although I am encouraging, if you have a fear, face it! CHANGE IT! EMBRACE IT. In the end, you will attain PEACE.
The beautiful images on this blog are of when I am actively present, I am an amazing mother to Faaria Safa. I then hold no struggles. Everything is a piece of cake and full of love and excitement.
Embrace Your Fears,
