Sorry, Not Sorry
How to Properly Apologize
“Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence. Say Sorry.”
Since when has ‘PRIDE’ ever won the “PRIZE’? Why do copious beings hold back from saying such a ‘powerful’ word that can mend broken hearts? Last week we touched base on the importance of using ‘sorry.’ This week I wanted to discuss the difference between a WRONG and RIGHT Apology. Isn’t it harder and heavier to hold back ‘SORRY’ than to say it? And more importantly, to say it adequately with dignity. Do you owe someone an apology? Can you apologize without the ‘but’ or ‘because’? Why not? Is it really about them? Or is it more about you? Do you feel inferior apologizing? Why? Do you think you are better than others? Are we not all equal? Is the person you hurt not worth the love they provided you? Is your ‘pride’ deceiving you into losing the real ‘prize’?
Non-Apology - Why it makes you feel worse and what to do?
"I'm Sorry you felt that way" is not a genuine apology. It does not take ownership of your actions and puts direct accusations on the person you are apologizing to. This sorry is just a cop-out way of blaming the other person. An accurate sorry holds no space for argumentative competition. Sometimes, apologies aren't legit; if their actions don't back up the Apology, you still have some work to set boundaries and tell the person what fundamental changes you need.
Half-hearted apologies are:
The same person keeps apologizing for the same action repeatedly and does not change their behavior. Their efforts are not backed by their words, which means they are continuously looking for an escape from the current predicament without considering genuine feelings and committing acts of positive change. Actions speak louder than words; if you are genuinely sorry - SHOW IT.
A genuine apology should be said in a calm and collective tone. If the Apology is coming with an angry or frustrated tone, it is not an apology. It's just another way to shut down the conversation and still, in their mind, accuse you of being at fault.
'BUT' the big 'BUT' is not an apology. An 'I'm Sorry' should never have a 'but' after it. The point of any apology is to make the other party FEEL better. Once you add in the 'but,' you are justifying your behavior, discussing your demands/desires simultaneously, thus devaluing your original Apology. An apology must be 100% without any excuses. Well, that is, if you want the other person to feel better, not yourself. It's okay to say sorry even if you think you need a sorry too.
Maybe even a genuine apology doesn't feel good, or you don't want to give an apology even though you know you were wrong because the situation triggered trauma from the past, and you still need to work on your issues. If you genuinely worked on yourself, you would know that a sincere apology is worth it for a healthy relationship and a healthier you. Don't let a five-letter word hold you back from being the best you possible.
Maybe the Apology was good though different people process apologies at a different pace. Sometimes a sorry can shift the mood, and sometimes it can take more time if the person is hurt. It is respectful to give that person the time and space they need. If you sincerely apologize. There is nothing more you can do. Though if you change your apologetic behavior to an apathetic one, you've rescinded your Apology.
An apology can fix many situations, but also recognize it is up to the person to decide if it's remediable or not. You cannot push an apology on someone. Once you've apologized, they can either accept it or not. Respect their set boundaries.
People sever relationships based on pain. Clear communication is the key to many misunderstandings. Clear communication is always a healthy way to navigate through anger. Often, anger is trying to tell us something. If you can figure out what the anger is trying to say to you, you can communicate what you might need to another person that goes beyond an apology. If you thoroughly communicated and they did nothing to rectify the situation, they chose a path that may not include you or not include you as intimate as the relationship was.
If you still feel angry, it's completely okay. It's completely valid to be angry even after someone says sorry. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking anger isn't acceptable.
Anger is a deeply stigmatized emotion, so people often feel afraid of or overwhelmed by their anger. Anger is not inherently wrong; it's powerful emotional energy. And it does not necessitate adverse outcomes. If you think about anger as solid emotional energy, you can think about ways to channel that energy into things that will make you feel better. You don't have to get over it for anyone else except yourself. Feel how you feel, and then move on for yourself when you're ready.
THE RIGHT APOLOGY
READ THE DIFFERENCE
Between a sincere apology and not sincere Apology. There are infinite ways to apologize; if you've made the conviction to apologize, you might as well do it with sincerity.
A SORRY From Long Ago
People walk around with much trauma from harmful experiences from years ago. If you are now older and wiser, let the pride go and apologize to them. All those years of pain may drift away with a simple sorry. Why would you want someone to feel sad for many years if all you need to do is say sorry for knowingly or unknowingly hurting them? C’mon people. Just say sorry with love. It’s okay. Even if they are younger than you or have a different culture, any differences should not matter. A sorry should not be discriminative. It needs only to be sincere.
A sorry should not be discriminative. It needs only to be sincere. Even if the person is younger than you and from a different culture, any differences should not matter. All you need is an open mind and an open heart. Why should two people walk this earth in pain if one sorry can fix it all?
MY STORY
I write these blogs because I care about my readers. Who am I to share knowledge if I did not experience or lived through challenging times myself? For years and years, sadly, maybe even decades, I waited for a sincere apology from a few people who deeply hurt me in my life. So much that I considered not living. I felt attacked, hurt, vulnerable, weak, damaged, and so on. Naive me living in a fantasy world in my mind, I thought one day these people would sincerely apologize for the incredible pain they relentlessly caused me. Forget about a sincere apology; I never even got an insincere one. Years went by in this foolish despair. Until I realized I was diminishing myself. I decided I no longer needed one. The best revenge is moving on and living a good life. God Bless; I am living an extraordinary life. My life is only based on love, humility, sincerity, and integrity. With these qualities, I assure you; that you can live life to the fullest.
The reality is that if they don’t apologize in a year, it will never happen. People worry too much about their ego, reputation, pride, status, and all that nonsense that I frankly think is none other than bullshit. As people get older, they become closer to religion, working out, exercising, and eating right.. very few realize that if you would say sorry and ask for forgiveness, you would feel lighter and happier as deep down where you don’t care to admit and live in denial; you know you did hurt people—time to grow up and apologize. Be a grown, wise adult, and apologize.
Even if you want a sorry too, say Sorry! Even if you hurt someone many moons ago, say Sorry! Even if you think you are right, Say Sorry! People first, ego last. Is there someone you owe an apology to? What are you waiting for? Being nice is not an apology; saying, ‘I’m Sorry I hurt your feelings.’ is the PROPER APOLOGY.
Check out this great book by David LaRochelle on How to Apologize.
Always ready to say sorry,
