To Be or Not To Be
A Parent, Dictator, Guidance, Slighting, Mentor
For years, you've slept in your bed. You've made your bed. Must you make your children's bed too?
Too often, we hear, "Make your children a better version of yourself," "Be true to yourself," "You are doing the best that you can."
BUT are you REALLY? The youth are like seeds; you grow what you sow. They are innocent beings who are swift to learn and feel—they mold into their future versions from their initial foundation.
I distinctively remember taking two-child psychology courses at my university, and from all my major classes, these electives engraved in my heart and mind. I assured myself that I would be there for my future children. The course's basic premise was you can teach all you want to a child from age 0-5. After 5, they mature into their own individuality, and there is only so much you can do to alter them. So these first five years lay heavily on their upbringing.
I honestly believe these two course were the major breakthrough and influential part of my past and future decisions. Having lost my mom at age 10 and quitting my career to raise my own kids reassured this ideology's certainty. I always pondered how 10 years wasn't enough for my mother and me to learn who she was. But really, she only needed to be there for my first 5 years. I wondered why I was so much like her. I attain her kindness, her eternal giving nature, and her sharing personality. I carry her persistence and thirst for knowledge. I hold her strong trait of unity, and even more vital is my spirituality. I learned all this from her in the first five years, and I spent the rest of my life strengthening them, not knowing the entire time God gave me the most significant gift from my mother. That was his plan. All our siblings shared her from 0-5 years. And each of us carries an obsession with love, spirituality, and persistence. maybe a little stubborn too.
I 100% see the life, the value, the principle I gave each of my children from birth to age 5. And I will concur; each child experienced a different foundation from myself, so I believe this is why siblings are so different from each other. As we, the parents, grow and learn. With each child we raise, we are a different iteration of ourselves. We pass on our current knowledge to them. Not realizing what a significant responsibility this is. THEY HEAR AND SEE EVERYTHING!!
She is 100% the way My mom would have wanted!
This one was my first experience. Here I was a child myself and novel with being a mom. All my fears vanished at first sight, and all my focus went to this pure soul. She bears deep within her purity, humility, gentleness, fluidity, spirituality, intellect, old soul wisdom, and a vast sense of positivity. I would give it up all over again to raise her just the way I did! I was completely present with her, validated her needs, heard her emotions, and communicated explicitly. We sought each other for love and concern. Literally speaking, she is my child, but I feel like she was a gift from heaven. An angel that changed my life for nothing but virtue always. Truly & soulfully Blessed forever. Her future descendants will unquestionably raise the bar high in regards to humility.
Let me explain through my experience. When my first child was born, I showed her kindness, spirituality, value, and wise decision making. I guided her to respect others and follow the rules. After 5, she starting growing from this layered foundation. The magnitude of her presence has been such a gift to our family. Not only as a daughter, but she goes above and beyond as a maturer sister. Have you a child you would change NOTHING about? If you do, you can resonate with what a blessing it is to see them grow into beautiful young adults. Today as a 15-year-old, she is all that I grounded her with and so much more. (we will get into the more later… please read till the end, the more is an essential learning process for our kids and especially us.)
Being a Present Parent
As hard as it was to leave aside all the wound, I made sure to be present during this significance—a moment in time to appreciate a miracle that came into our lives. So if you’re going to tell me being a parent is difficult; No Kidding!! Except I will never again lose myself because now I acknowledge what I am capable of and what I want to pass on to my girls.
The birth of my second child was, unfortunately, a scarred exertion. The entire pregnancy and the following year for me was a hammered struggle. It was my time to appreciate bringing a new soul into our family. However, a few people secured it their commitment to annihilate these joyous times for their wants. I was too young/naive to interpret reality, and consequently, I became utterly depressed, felt alone, excluded, and wept for the entire two years. I felt tortured by a congregation of people. Who only sought their desires rather than focusing on a new miracle being born. Alas, I've experienced people who wish to constrain, dismay, and slay others' happy lives and decisions with no bearing on their present moment.
Due to my extreme sadness, I could not give my child my happy self—the upbeat version of me. My sadness was so deep. My patience was so blue. Realizing this when she was 1 year old, I sought to confront my pain and not pass it on to my child. As we all know, the saying, "Monkey see, monkey do." I spent the next four years taking her out to all the random places where other random kids play. I played silly games with her. I let her sing and dance, dance and sing, cry and cry hard, run, and get dirty. I showed her strength, persistence, and creativity. We spent time talking and talking. But I feel the most crucial thing I showed her was feeling both sad and happy.
My Heart My Soul
You carry the weight of my sorrow & consequently, Mumma owes you every chance, trial, tribulation, and opportunity to fill that void because you, my Angelic Child, are so worthy!
Ergo after 5, my second child has become a moody social butterfly with a heart of gold. She is the entertainment of our family, keeping us both on our toes and giggling. No matter where we go, all the older kids and younger kids embrace her presence, and many idols her as a role model. She has many moments of breaking down sobbing (sadly, I know the root cause). And no matter how much I try to support and she gets it. It's cyclic behavior at this point. However, I must add, although she experiences difficulty expressing her emotions, she is an in-depth individual and as analytical of love as one can imagine.
Here are two incidents of her that forever stole my heart.
We were on a 45-minute drive, and there was much traffic that it took almost 3 hours. My second child, 'Aliyah,' was only 4. And this is the conversation:
Me: I'm sorry it's taking so long to get there. I feel bad you girls must be bored.
Zara: It's okay, what else can we do. Just go with the flow.
Aliyah: I don't mind at all, Mumma. It can take as long as it takes. In fact, I want it to take forever long.
Me: Why would you say this, Aliyah?
Aliyah: Well, think about it. Everyone cannot stay in this life forever. We all have to go at some point. So I don't want that time to ever come, and I would rather sit here in traffic knowing we are together at this very moment. And you are not gone. Because I can't even imagine that and don't want to. So I hope this ride is forever.
Me: Omg Aliyah, you are so deep. But baby, don't worry. I will always be with you, no matter where I am. I will always be in your heart very close to you.
Zara: Don't worry, Aliyah. Mom will go to heaven, and we can meet here there when its or turn.
*for a 4-year-old child to appreciate the present moment and just focus on the positive knowing the future holds its inevitable share of sadness, I certainly believe this was a remarkable thought process on her part.
Second Incident:
We all went out for a family dinner to eat pizza, and we chose to play a game; the question was, "if you could, would you like to go into the future or the past and why?"
Needless to say, Aliyah being the exception, the rest of us preferred the future. I said, “Aliyah, why would you want to go in the past?”
Aliyah: 'Because then I can finally meet my grandmother, your Mom and also tell her that don't worry, your daughter is doing a great job raising her own kids".
Tears dripped down my face, asI kept kissing this little nugget's face. I could not conceive how analytical she was.
Aliyah is a child that never ceases to amaze me. It was the most challenging pregnancy and a year ahead, but it was a remarkable recovery and discovery of my child and me after that.
I almost lost her, over and over,
yet she found HERSELF,
over and over!
Last but definitely not least. A Magical Surprise was headed our way. A fairytale come true. A new home dynamic full of love with our newest addition, Faaria Safa.
After all this effort of raising two kids and discovering myself, I was convinced I was done. I didn't desire to have any more responsibility. I wanted time for me. To find me even more.
However, my spouse felt differently. This was a struggle we dealt with for years. I was hesitant as I know I would take on most of the burden (note calling it a load was a fear from my previous pregnancy). The pain and torture was still a scarred fear. Plus, we didn’t have much help with our other two kids. So I was not up for making my life any more hectic..
And then, one random day, I heard loud and clear my spouse's desire. So I understood and agreed. But this time, I made sure to ask him to be more present and help with the child's needs.
To my shocking surprise, this was by far the best pregnancy experience. Giving birth to Faaria Safa was the most beautiful moment. The first year I spent with her was all about 'us.'
I dolled her up and made fresh food for her daily. I nursed her for 17 months. She did not eat any pre-made jars or boxes of food. Made it all in between work and other responsibilities. Where did this extra energy come from???
It came from HAPPINESS! Faaria Safa brought her own game plan. We went to parks, every library class in all the near neighborhoods. I took this girl everywhere with me. She was my new best friend and I hers. The first 5 years Faaria and I gave each other was ALL about KINDNESS, SUPPORT, LOVE, and AFFECTION.
So what is the personality of my third child? All Love, Support, Kindness, and all affection. Not only did this bring about a loving child and increased love in our family, but it also gave me much-needed affection. We filled each other's cups abundantly.
A lot of who I am today, I owe to my youngest. Love can conquer anyone, defeat all sadness and fear. Faaria Safa encouraged me to recognize my worth. As she accepted my love, I knew I had so much more to contribute to the world and especially to myself.
Love Magnet 💖
Faaria Safa bestows an abundance of love, hugs, affection. She leaves no gaps untouched. She indeed affirms life is to love. If it’s not blatant in her sparkling eyes or her charismatic smile, then a moment with her will transform you into a sucker for admiration. To Love is to conquer all—our little angel Faaria Safa.
Do they feel unheard, neglected, coerced, sad, depressed, confused? How do we rectify the relationship?
Now here comes the dirty truth. While I am gratified of all the goods, I passed on. I am also responsible for the not-so-good. I convey this out to the world to alleviate other parents from duplicating my mistakes. I feel the best way to clarify is to straight-up outline each one and its ramifications. As you read forward, please read it with great intensity to change your not so good habits and let your children grow.
MY BIGGEST MISTAKES- currently still a work in progress but a huge leap from where I was. This healthy relationship with my kids is the greatest blessing a parent can ask for. I wish I apprehended years ago that with excellent knowledge also comes extraordinary wisdom. Unfortunately, it is not fully internalized to complete the achievement as perceived when the knowledge comes prematurely. Although I am EXTREMELY proud of raising kind, loving, and humble children. I own my share of wrongdoings.
Knowing age 0-5 was the only basis they needed; after 5, I should have enriched a more hands-off policy in place. While I still endowed some of this as I grew up independently, I wish I granted more freedom than teaching independence.
You see, I am not the type of mother that will feed my kids with a spoon, or tie their shoes, or zip up their jacket. I encourage them to do it on their own and learn it. To not depend on others for things they are well and capable of doing themselves. I still believe in my core, raising dependent children is extremely dangerous as they will always depend on you for help.
But where did I go wrong?
Micromanaging - I am always on their case, making sure they did their homework, cleaned their space, brushed their hair, put their clothes away, say a prayer before eating, first do this before you do that. What did it cause?
RAMIFICATION - kids feel tied up—the kid's sense overwhelmingness. Kids develop a sense of perfectionism- an unhealthy one. They grow fear of making mistakes and build resentment from the constant background noise.
Asking Twice- I ask my kids many times to show me their grades, ask if they cleaned their rooms, make sure they finished their plate of food, or put stuff back where it belongs. This shows I do not trust them.
RAMIFICATION- kids feel sad; they cannot merit your trust. Kids think no matter what they do, it is not enough. They began to do things out of fear rather than trust.
Schedule - I make their schedule for the most part. I include kids' fun times as well. But as they get older, I need to learn to back off.
RAMIFICATION-Kids feel a lack of control. They crave to feel free. It provokes sadness, which turns into anger, which generates bitterness and resentment.
Yelling- This past summer, while my husband was out of town, I made a promise to myself. I promised not to raise my voice or yell at them for anything but rather to speak my desires softly. We had an amazing 5 weeks with each other. Our bond became dearer than ever before. Anything and everything can be explained in a soft-spoken tone. Do not yell, speak harshly, raise your voice, or use an aggressive tone. Anything can be explained in a friendly manner. Remember, love conquers all.
RAMIFICATION- Raising your voice or speaking with an aggressive style will only deter their attention and make them feel as if they did something wrong to piss you off. It makes children feel sad. Builds low self-esteem. Some will shut down and not even hear your words; ergo, yelling is counterproductive. On the contrary, speaking softly builds the relationship and builds trust. They are more inclusive of following through, and you are more receptive to hear your children out as well.
Problems- I’ve fallen into this quicksand primarily in 2020 due to limited source of outlet. However that is no excuse. Iv’e shared my fatigue and me feelings with my eldest. I’ve grown to learn that it is not okay, not even during a world pandemic. Let not your problems be your children's problems. Your issues are adult concerns. If you are not equipped to handle them, how do you expect innocent children to internalize your unfortunate happenings? Please reminisce of your childhood, and if it was a good one, give that to your child. If it was not so pleasant, provide better for your children.
RAMIFICATION- Kids who share the burden of their parents' problems grow up more sad and fearful. They feel sad; they are helpless; they are petrified of what the future may bring.
Communication -I must admit this is my most vital skill. Nevertheless, during my long quest to ascertain answers to my physical health concerns. I spent less time inquiring detailed information about my kid's happenings. One night I recognized this while Faaria was sobbing, and I immediately awoke and witnessed my kids wanted mom, not ill mom. Accordingly, I was back in communicating, and this time even ten times more dependable than before. Speak to your child often. Know what is good or not good in their life and what is troubling them. Know what your child is going through at all times. Sometimes children feel scared to share their emotions when they see parents are going through their own issues. Teach them to open up. Practice communication frequently.
Don’t stop at how was school today? Ask more details. Show them you care and are their. Poke around a little till you can see they are no comfortable sharing more.
RAMIFICATION- Children will act out at home during dinner, homework, or even brushing their teeth. They will dispute more with their siblings. They are looking for an outlet for their disturbances. Once they practice not communicating, they will begin to bottle up their emotions. When the tip of the iceberg comes along, whoosh, you will hold a more significant perplexity that could have resolved very quickly in its initial phase, had you communicated with your child.
So conclusively, I raised a brilliant obedient child, a deep and creative child, and a love bud.
I am so proud of my contribution to my children. In hindsight, I am thrilled that I dropped everything to raise them and teach them important values and structures. I do believe and sincerely trust all that I have passed on will serve to help them become better versions of themselves.
The most essential value to supply children with is LOVE and EMPATHY. You do not need to do their work for them. You just need them to be assured that they are loved, encourage them, let them know you understand both their sadness and joys, and you are here to support their decisions.
And of course, to remind them of the light during the dark phases of their life. Preparing them for disappointments is a part of life, and will alleviate their pain when they hit bumps in their journey.
I am just now discovering the vast difference between advising and demanding. I am currently learning to so call, 'back-off.' I surrendered willingly to a few things I would never have agreed upon a year ago. Why? Because being an adult doesn't make me right; it just makes me stubborn in my old ways. We ought to learn to release our arrogance and comprehend that we can be inspired by our children.
After age 5, let them flourish. Not into a version of you or a better version of you. Let your kids develop into their own butterfly. A mix you never perceived. If we continue to micromanage and construct kids ourselves, we will not establish a future to correct worldly happenings. Times are changing, the world is changing, allow your children to be the new switch the world needs, and the earth needs to grow. Accept that you are from the way the things operated yesterday, and in today's world, you can shed light on them as they find their own enlightenment.
Your lack of control will raise more creative, riskier, more courageous, and more validated children after a time. How can we expect to raise happy children if we do not give them the freedom to choose and learn to form their own mistakes?
I urge you to let them live, pain, grow, explore, and be free.
Today
I vow to nevermore narrate to my child to wash her face, brush her teeth before changing into her morning clothing.
I vow to not question their curiosities, enthusiasms, and interests
I vow to let them communicate with each other in ways they understand
I vow to be there more as a pillar and not as a defender
I vow to let them rise
I want them to experience their life, not mine.
It's okay, don't worry too much. Children will turn out splendid. Quit telling them what to do all the time. Cease controlling their desires and wants. Determine to listen more and advise less. Let them thrive.
To Learning & Thriving,
